Urine Testing! "Always carry a 'clean' vial," says Winkey, "and remember to make sure the cap is screwed on tight!"

Court Ordered Anger Management! "Temper tantrums are common for kids who enjoy a balanced diet that includes Roids cereal! But that shouldn't mean trouble!" Winkey Anger Tip: Take items from around the house that no one will miss! Find a quiet place, like a hall closet, and beat them and beat them and beat them with your fists! Don't stop until you can't scream anymore! Wow -- doesn't that feel better?

Killing Pets and Small Animals! Winkey says: "Strangling pet cats can be fun and educational... but don't get carried away! Birds can be just as satisfying to crush! If you promise that it was an accident and that you'll never ever do it again, you'll probably get away with it!"

I'm damned impressed with my son Billy's performance, now that Roids is a part of his daily regimen. We'd tried everything: year-round league, private batting and pitching coaches, pre-dawn drills, deprivation rooms... nothing helped. He was a loser, I remember confiding in him. A pathetic loser.

That's all changed! One bowl a day and he stays ripped and ready. UnfortunateIy I think his penis may have disappeared, but when he gets a scholarship and goes on to the big leagues, I'll be able to buy him three penises! And when his liver gives out at 30, he can look back and say, "I had a great run! And three penises!"